Filed under: School
I took a Developmental psychology exam today that went fairly well, but unlike previous semesters, this final felt…well, final. I have a few more to take later in the week, but today really marks the first of a series of lasts. Not only was it the last day of classes, the last day of April, it was the last time I would ever walk out of that lecture hall with a sharpened #2 pencil in hand, irked that I got 5 A’s in a row (Scantrons drive me crazy because my mind naturally seeks out symmetry. Professors torture me when they don’t balance out the # of A’s, B’s, C’s and D’s. It’s even worse when they repeat a letter more than 4 times consecutively. This is the OCD in me coming out).
In order to prepare, I spent the night reading, outlining, and reviewing material related to the following: learning, socialization, child rearing, and gender development.
Did you know that…
5th graders in the US who score in the 90th percentile on reading achievement tests read 200 times as much as those in the 10th percentile.
If your family income is more than $75,000, you’re less likely to report feelings of closeness with your mother compared to those with a family income of $15,000 or less.
Spermache is the clinical term used to describe a male’s capacity to ejaculate.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects 4-12% of children, and boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed than girls.
Prenatal, paternal, and parental use the same letters, just in different order.
Congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH) describes a condition in females where adrenal glands overproduce androgens (male hormones), thus accounting for streotypical “tom-boy” behavior.
These are just random pieces of information I pulled out and it only accounts for maybe .3% of the material I covered. Out of all the little trivia facts I now have stored in my head, facts that I’ll probably never have to recall again, this one really jumped out at me:
Children spend roughly 15,000 hours in school from the 1st through the 12th grade.
That folks is A LOT of school right there and it doesn’t even include pre-school and kindergarten, COLLEGE, and umm, this crazy thing called homework. For some reason, just thinking about this blew my mind. It made me realize just how much of my life has been dedicated to school and how looking ahead, that just won’t be the case anymore.
Now I could lie and say I’m devastated about this, but I’m really not. I’m looking forward to having weekends, the opportunity to read the Sunday Times in its entirety, movie nights where I can rent 3 DVDs and watch them all, nights where I can sleep for 8 hours, and trips to bookstores where I’m not picking up something listed on a syllabus. I’m looking forward to putting the scantrons and syllabi behind me along with lectures, looseleaf, and lists.
In terms of school, this week marks the beginining of the end, but in the greater sense, it really is just the beginning.
Ipods are ubiquitous in New York for a reason. We like to shut people out, even though the spaces we share are so connected. Today, I put mine on hold and listened. I listened to New York for the perfectly orchestrated chaos that it is. The man tapping his foot next to me as the cappuccino machine hisses, the pounding of a chopping board, the car horn outside and the chorus of New Yorkers talking about the weather, last night’s party, Marc Jacobs and Bush’s Iraq debacle.
Panninis, pretzels, people watching, English readings, war protests, and picnics. I really live for Saturdays. I needed a break from campus, an escape, a retreat and I got one. I went for a short jog and found myself laying down on one of the benches. I thought about how much love there is in my life right now and I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes. I swear I cry at everything. When I looked up, I realized I was underneath a weeping willow and I smiled. Nature can be so ironic.
Today is the kind of day that makes me want to call old friends, make new ones and think about how much I love the ones I have. I’m seeing streets for the first time, blocks I’ve come across before but never took notice of. It’s as if every awning, window pane, doorway and curb frames a scene with figures in slow motion. I could have stayed on that bench all day and stared at that tree, happy that I wasn’t the one doing the weeping.
Filed under: Happiness
Tonight was the annual leadership dinner, an event that I’ve attended every year I’ve been at school. Although the speeches are redundant, the awards never lose their novelty. It’s the time when students are recognized for their efforts – flyers, food orders, rehearsals, meetings, mass emails, budget requests, etc. Anyone can thrive academically, but to do that and contribute to the student life of the campus is a different story. There were producers, choreographers, negotiators, editors, and advocates present – heads of performance groups, Student government, publications, and cultural organizations. These are future professionals, future leaders, future mothers. Women who will change the world for the better.
Now I sound like an Admissions brochure when I say this, but I mean it. You don’t know the value of attending a women’s college until you go to one and you don’t quite appreciate it until you know its history. Barnard was founded in 1889 and was named for Columbia University’s 10th President, Frederick A.P. Barnard. Not many people are aware of this fact, but Columbia was the last Ivy League school to go co-ed and that didn’t happen until 1983. Nineteen-eighty-freakin-three.
Now there are tons of streotypes surrounding women’s colleges (I’ve heard them all), but they’re myths. Sorry to disappoint, but we don’t all just get naked during floor meetings and make out. We’re accepting of the queer community (diversity in general), but that doesn’t mean we’re bound to graduate as a class of 550 lesbians. Sure we promote feminism, but what that really means to us is asserting ourselves. We’re not raging Amazon women who tear the loins off of every male we encounter. We speak our minds and hold our own against any guy up for the challenge. As far as our sexuality, please, don’t get me started. Just because we dish out free condoms and lube in the entrances of our dormitories doesn’t mean we’re “easy” or “sluts”. We embrace our sexuality, safe sex, and aren’t afraid to get what we want in the same way guys are praised for it on a daily basis.
Don’t stereotype us for what you want us to be. Recognize us for who we are – women who aren’t afraid to take risks, who grab life by the balls, and who are bold enough to say, “Let’s do it,” regardless of what “it” is. We may not know everything, but we leave here with a greater understanding of who we are and the idea that we can do anything we want to.
Standing on stage tonight, the recipient of Barnard’s prestigious Bear Pin Award, I thought about recognition and how as much as it comes from others, it really needs to come from yourself. I think it was Anna Quindlen, author, Newsweek columnist and Barnard Trustee who said, “At Barnard, I learned to major in unafraid.” I wish I could preserve this statement and the energy of tonight’s assembly because the past few weeks for me have been scary. I lost sight of what I’m capable of; I’ve been blindfolded by uncertainty. Since when has this been me?
Tonight was so important, not only because of the award I was receiving, but because I was reminded of why I came to this school and why I should be determined to leave its gates standing upright rather than crawling. I take pride in the fact that I’m part of a tradition of leadership, and most of all, a tradition of strong, beautiful women who just refuse to go down without a fight.
Filed under: Friends
My tear ducts hurt I cried that much in the past 48 hours. It seems so silly, but I just had to get it out.
Now I have my reasons for feeling bad, but I also have A LOT of reasons why I should feel good. Instead of drowning the past few weeks, I’ve managed to stay afloat because of the following individuals. They may not realize they’re making a difference, but they are. Thank you for being in my life and thank you for caring.
Adrienne – You’ve held down the fort in Bacchantae and stepped up when I couldn’t be there. Your take charge attitude has kept us in focus and your consistency following through continues to amaze me . I don’t know where I’d be without your emails (literally, because they always include details like where we need to be and when). Sitting on the lawn with you the other day was beautiful. I needed that more than you’ll ever know.
Ali – We’ve sang together since the 9th grade, we’ve lived together for two years, you hear me out on a daily basis. I am you. You are me. We are one. I feel like our friendship blossomed unexpectedly in the past few months thanks to parallel lives, your unrelenting sincerity and understanding, and your courage to love til it hurts. You make me feel like it’s okay to cry and you remind me to take care of myself when I have to.
Ash – You’re part of something that most people in my life will never know or understand. Your patience, compassion, and willingness to put others before yourself is rare in the world we live in. Keep writing, keep dreaming, and one of these days, you’ll find your knight. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for your friendship.
Ashley – One of the things I really love about you is the fact that you’re always really level. I never experience extremes with you and to have a friend who’s like that is so great. I enjoy your company so much, whether its at my house in PA, a dinner out, or just sitting in my room doing work at night. You’re one of the least judgemental people I know. You speak your mind and you have an open heart.
Becky – I’m so thankful we can experience this scary lfie transition together. I’ll never forget the day you told me, “Alexa, I’m worried about you.” I haven’t been the easiest person to live with, yet you deal with me anyway. You make sure I get my ass out of bed; you make sure I don’t go to bed when I can’t afford to. The completion of my thesis would not have happened without you. Thank you for telling me in November that Las Vegas was a must. You’re a risk taker, ball-breaker, a friend til the end.
Blair – Bonding with you came out of left field, but I’m glad it happened. We got IT-that-shall-not-be-named done even though it was one of the most traumatizing academic endeavors I’ve ever witnessed. I may have gone on four days without sleep, motivation, and focus, but I had a great partner to keep me company in the process. I don’t care how this semester turns out for the both of us, you’re going to grab the world, shake it, and dominate life cause that’s the kind of person you are.
Bret - There aren’t enough words to describe what you’ve done for me just by being you. When I lose sight of myself, I think of you and the potential you see in me, the potential we see in each other. You have a way with words and the special ability to make me feel like I have something to look forward to each and every day. You’re a life-changing individual. Thank you for your love.
Celine, Michelle, Liz, Stephanie, Laura, Shaina, & Isabel – I don’t spend nearly enough time with you outside of rehearsal, but your friendship, talent, and individuality have contributed so much to my college years.
Chris – You are wonderful. You have been a constant go-to-guy for years and even though we’re rarely in the same place, your words are as comforting as the hugs you give me in person. I value your ability to analyze situations just as much as I do and your willingness to make me feel like I can count on you. You’ve edited thesis chapters and asked me how I am multiple times throughout the day everyday since as far back as I can remember. Through my many life struggles I have always found solace in your sympathy and support.
Gaby – Whether it’s coffee at Starbucks or a bench in Riverside Park, you’re someone who I always know is there to listen without judgement. Your sincerity, honesty and compassion shine through in everything you do. It’s no wonder everyone on campus says hi when you pass by – they all want a piece of you! I knew from the first day at Bacchantae callbacks that you were something special. Magical summers, lending me your laptop in Las Vegas, Butler bonding…just having you around makes things better.
Hannah – There are other perks to living with you besides your willingness to keep our bathroom/suite clean. By living with you, I get to experience the life of a disciplined, on the go multi-tasker who is so kick-ass and a constant reinforcer of positivity. As busy as you are, I am so appreciative of the fact that you always have time to stop by my room to see how I’m doing.
Jordan – Thank you for your unique spin on life, your late night outbursts that always put a smile on my face, and your unrelenting desire to dream. I love the fact that we can sleep together without actually sleeping together. Whether you’re in the audience as Bacchantae’s #1 fan or on the phone with me coaching me through a crisis, I always feel like you’re rooting for me; I always feel like you want to see me happy. You remind me that life is ours for the taking.
Kathryn – What would I do without your site?! I wouldn’t have a thesis! Just knowing you from a distance is enough to remind me of the kind of person I want to be – someone who always sees the good in others, someone who is hopeful, and someone who believes that the small things can make a big difference.
Lo – I can always count on you to make me laugh with your shameless choreography and silly antics. We’re on the same page in so many ways. I’ll never forget Amsterdam, our NSYNC talks, and the many glorious nights we spent this past year watching High School Musical. You’re funny, passionate, honest, and understanding. There’s so much I love and admire about you. Thanks for checking up on me via random phone calls, IMs and gchat messages.
Pawan – We can go for weeks without talking, but I always know that you’re there for me. Intelligence, hard-work, perseverence, drive, and ambition – you are so good at life. I’ll never forget your pep talks, and the countless times you’ve offerred to bring me food, coffee, a night out, or a shoulder to cry on. You always want to see me succeed and if I falter, you’re one of the first people to tell me I’m already a success.
Tina – That email you sent me meant so much and so does our friendship. I associate you with the comfort of home, of feeling safe, of being myself. There’s not another gal pal who’d I’d rather have by my side at Barnes & Noble, Hairspray, a trip to the ER, or any social function where the male:female ratio is 7 to 1 (the story of our lives). Twitter wouldn’t be the same without you. I value our talks, your insight, and just your overall genuineness so much. You keep things real – you keep me grounded.
My family – Every positive quality I have, I attribute to you and the wonderful life you’ve sculpted for me. Your unconditional love is a constant source of strength and inspiration. Days like today when I can’t seem to get it together for myself, I think of you and keep going…
It seems bipolar to go from days like yesterday that seem so good and then days like today where things seem so bad. That’s what every day is like though, a constant series of ups and downs, a battle with myself where I’m my own worst enemy.
After a really great night, I woke up this morning and I looked at my never-ending To-Do list that I aggressively tried to tackle yesterday. I realized that even though I did a lot, it’s far from enough. There is SO much that I need to catch up on, so much that I need to take care of, and instead of feeling motivated like I did yesterday, I just can’t help but feel disappointed.
I try to have my good days, I really do, but the general concensus in my mind as of late is that I’m completely defeated. For every day I feel motivated or inspired, it’s followed by feelings of inadequacy and frustration. These are the thoughts running through my head and admitting to them just makes it all even harder. It’s so much easier to be in denial.
In high school, I took a full 9 classes my senior year, I was the editor in chief of my yearbook, I sang in a vocal ensemble, I was enthusiastic about college admissions, I pulled all nighters frequently, and despite all of the stress, I still managed to finish with a 101.4 GPA and above average scores on my AP and IB exams. Throughout college, I functioned the same way. I did well in my classes, I was active in multiple organizations on campus, I worked 20+ hours a week, and despite experiencing the worst trauma of my entire life, I still managed to keep going.
Here I am in my last semester, editor in chief of the yearbook, President of my a cappella group, Interviewer/Fellow at the Admissions office, expert at all nighters, and bombarded with 17.5 credits worth of work. Instead of finishing strong like I did in the past, I am in the worst academic standing of my life. I’m dealing with a lot of emotion and instead of coping with it, I’m letting it get in the way of doing what I need to do.
It scares me that I wrote this on April 14, 2004 yet it easily could have been written today, April 22, 2007:
There are so many times I feel like I have so much to say, but I can’t bring myself to say it or put it into words. Consider those days lost…
There are really times when I feel that way about myself – lost. Lately I’ve been questioning things a lot more…I tell myself to keep going and that things will work themselves out in the end, but I still find myself wondering, “How many dead ends can I possibly hit?” There’s so much going on and I just feel like I can’t keep doing it anymore. At this point, I really just need to pull over on the side and put life on pause. It’s either that or I’ll completely crash.
I remember writing this three years ago. I was 17 years old and I was feeling overwhelmed because of responsibilities on my plate, the anxiety of my upcoming high school graduation, and the general fear that I would somehow fail at life. At the time, failure took shape in the form of looking like a zombie in the mornings, submitting assignments after school as opposed to in class, and not knowing who I was going to go to prom with. I always wanted to be in control, I always wanted perfection.
Today, I’m feeling overwhelmed for the same reasons, except this time, failure is a lot uglier, and she’s staring me in the face. The insecurity of not having a prom date pales in comparison to the insecurity of being in a relationship that is plagued with biweekly break up talks. When it comes to school work, right now it’s not a matter of submitting assignments late. It’s about actually finding the will to complete them and then begging professors to accept them WEEKS past their due dates. It’s about me not being in control, about feeling far from perfect, about coming this far only to find that it just might not happen…
I just might not graduate.
Spring definitely put a little spunk in my step today because I was more motivated in the past 24 hours than I have been in weeks. This morning consisted of finishing Yearbook layouts, a much needed pedicure, a trip to Starbucks, a psych lab, the completion of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road and Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49. All of that was done before 1 PM today. Sidenote: The last thing I needed to do was read Kerouac. The dude dropped out of Columbia because he supposedly “already had a mind of his own.” I feel like I’m losing mine here.
The rest of the day consisted of a nap from 2-4, a quick acappella performance at 7:30 and then a double feature of In the Land of Women and Blades of Glory from 10:15-1:30. Confession: When I say double feature, that means I buy a ticket to one movie, and then I sneak into a second one. Honestly, who the hell wants to pay $10.50 for a movie that is most likely going to suck?
Everyday should be like today.
Reuters reported a story this week with the following headline: “Asians fear backlash After Virginia Tech Shooting.” Okay, this REALLY pisses me off. We just witnessed a devastating tragedy and instead of focusing on important questions like, “Why didn’t this kid get help sooner?” or “What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” people are thinking about HOW THEIR RACE IS GOING TO BE PERCEIVED?
Get over yourselves.
Look up Asian stereotypes on Wikipedia and this is what comes up: “diligently studious and having an affinity for tedious workaholic jobs; having poor leadership and management ability, and lacking assertiveness; not being “well-rounded”; being submissive and feminine; having poor creativity skills; having superior academic abilities; being traditional, conservative, and not able to assimilate; speaking “broken” English with a heavy accent.”
Do you see mass murderer, withdrawn, psychotic, loner-college student written anywhere there? NO. Now if you’re of Middle Eastern descent, Black, or Hispanic, then yeah, let’s talk stereotypes. Asians on the other hand, cry me a friggin’ river. I know I am being completely un-PC in this post, but screw that.
1 in every 5 students here at Columbia identifies as Asian while statistically, Asian Americans make up 5% of this country’s population. In January, the NY Times reported the following:”ACROSS the United States, at elite private and public universities, Asian enrollment is near an all-time high. Asian- Asians made up 24 percent of the undergraduate population at Carnegie Mellon and at Stanford, 27 percent at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 14 percent at Yale and 13 percent at Princeton.” (source)
I highly doubt that that there will be any sort of “backlash” on America’s college campuses because of Virginia tech. Arguing a case for an Asian American backlash right now is about as valid as someone in 1995 saying, “Oh no! Timothy McVeigh was responsible for the Oklahoma City Bombing. Ahh, White back lash!”
As an American Studies major who has spent the past three years analyzing race relations in this country, it’s times like these when I’m really over it. Why not choose to see individuals for who they are and the crimes they commit? Why generalize? Why harp on division when all we need is unity? For all the progress we’ve made, you pick up a newspaper today and realize that we still have a long way to go.
Filed under: In Retrospect
Tonight is the annual Take Back the Night (TBTN), a student run event where more than a thousand participants rally in front of Barnard Hall and march for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. I knew this was coming, and for a second year in a row, I didn’t go. Part of me wants to, but I’m so used to being solo on this subject that I think I’d find myself overwhelmed to even be in such a powerful setting. Although I’m not there this year, I feel compelled to do something…to say something…
TBTN usually concludes with a speak out during which students sit in a dark room and listen to survivors share their stories. It’s supposed to be emotional, it’s supposed to be raw, it’s supposed to be a release. I don’t know whether I’ll ever have the guts to speak at the event, but right now all I have in me is the courage to write.
(Note: I’m not doing this as a cry for help or because I seek the attention. I’m doing this because it’s part of a healing process, one that doesn’t have a timeline. I’m choosing to do this in the spirit of TBTN, its participants, and survivors of sexual assault and violence who choose to remain silent.) (more…)
I’m behind, not only in terms of blog entries, but in terms of everything. Even if I take a huge stride forward, I still feel like I’m lagging. My thesis is bound, submitted, and sitting in some manila envelope in the department, but I dont feel good about it. People have been telling me to celebrate, but when I hear “Congratulations,” I feel like I’m being congratulated for procrastination, inconsistency, tardiness and sloppy results. The past four days have been an absolute NIGHTMARE for me – maybe 6 hours of sleep total, way too much caffeine, monstrous migraines, and feelings of inadequacy. I’m so grossed out with myself for being in that situation and even though I took a beating, I completely deserved it. It was one of those lessons that I had to learn; it’s just a shame it took such an extreme to get me to learn it.
For the most part, my thesis was a great idea, but poorly executed. What I submitted is an inaccurate representation of who I am as a student and to have it end like this feels flat out disappointing; I’m capable of doing better.
I’m still committed to working on it, but there’s one problem: In the next 5 days I’ll have to produce about 50-70 pages of writing for my other classes consisting of make up work, response papers, final papers, and a lab report. Time is not on my side at all as far as completing these assignments, to the point where I feel slightly defeated. However, I can’t approach this like a battle that can’t be won. If there ever was a situation when I needed to prove to myself that I could do something, this is it. Mediocrity is not an option.
We’re entering the final week of classes and I really, really HAVE TO DO THIS. I’m at the point where it’s no longer for my professors, the administration, my parents…it’s for me. I have to own up to my mistakes, suffer because of them, and in the end, make the most out of the opportunity to turn it around and redeem myself. This is sort of the season when you hear about suicide attempts on college campuses, especially amongst seniors, and its because of situations like the one I’m in. Now I was dumb enough to get myself here, but fortunately I’m also smart enough to get myself out.
This past week, 33 students died at Virginia Tech because of one student’s final act of desperation. I couldn’t reflect on this when it first happened, but I mourn the loss of those individuals who were robbed of their futures, a life full of potential and promise. There aren’t enough words to describe how tragic those shootings were and how awful and cruel this world can be sometimes.
In the end, I should be thankful that all I’m worrying about are late assignments and school work. I should be thankful that I still have a future to worry about. I may be falling short right now, but I’m convinced that rising above these temporary failures will ultimately be my long term successes. I have to keep going for myself; I have to keep going for those who can’t.
Filed under: Love/Relationships
When it comes to relationships and girls, I can’t help but think of that Rolling Stones song and Mick Jagger screaming, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” For us, every moment spent with a boyfriend is never long enough, every goodbye never ending, and every minute apart the equivalent of a never ending commercial in between your favorite TV show.
It’s still hard for me to believe that this is really me and how I feel, but I’ve felt this way for months. This is an excerpt from a private blog post I wrote back in January:
As of late, time has been playing tricks with me. Days are passing slowly and weeks feel like entire lifetimes. There’s a renewed sense of purpose when I hear my alarm clock ring in the morning, something that tells me to wake up and face the day’s challenges with vigor and optimism. It’s the kind of energy that can only be experienced when your entire existence transcends physical space. Your mind is elsewhere and regardless of distance, every thought, action, and emotion is channeled towards another human being. Some call it love, others call it crazy. It’s probably a bit of both. For me though, the feeling is wonderful, new, and exciting.
Three months ago I would have laughed at someone in my situation. To me, the world of cyberdating was reserved for hopeful, or maybe hopeless, thirty-something year olds who had yet to find that special someone. I think eharmony and I think of people who, let’s face it, can’t get it in person. Supposedly forty percent of all single Americans are dating online, but I never thought I’d be one of them.
How it happened is worthy of a novel (or a bizarre Tim Burton movie), but facts are facts, I’m completely wrapped up in an online relationship that I never expected or wanted. I didn’t go searching for it and he certainly didn’t go searching for me. The situation found us both and I couldn’t be happier that we have each other.
Here I am, four months later and the butterflies are still there. My face lights up when I talk about him, my heart skips a beat when I see his name on my caller ID, and just the thought of him keeps me company throughout seemingly endless nights. He said, “Our relationship is like a conversation you can never finish,” and that was hands down one of the best things he’s ever said to me. There’s nothing I enjoy more than talking to him. We talk about anything and everything and in so many ways, he’s filled that void I’ve been missing; he’s like my best friend.
I love that he gets me at a time when most people don’t. I love that he knows almost everything there is to know about me as a person. I love that we have things in common.
He makes me laugh, he handles the awkward situations I put him in, he listens. He shares his music, he shows me photos; he has the eye and imagination to take and process amazing ones of his own. He’ll force me listen to MacBreak Weekly or tell me to listen to a Pzizz when I’m stressed (I’d much rather listen to the sound of his voice). He shows me his desktop, he plays the piano, he laughs at things I say even though I’m not that funny.
I love that he asked me if I was drunk the other day because I asked him a question I should have known the answer to. I love that he has that much faith in my memory. I love that he has that much faith in me.
I love that he tolerates my life-long infatuation with Justin Timberlake. I love that he enjoyed dick-in-a-box just as much as I did. I love that he admitted to watching the OC, and that he’ll eventually forgive me for sharing that on this blog.
I love that we both have a copy of Eats, Shoots, and Leaves and that we both magically lose our water glasses 5 minutes after filling them up. I love that he doesn’t think it’s weird I order daquiri sorbet at Baskin & Robbins. I love that we make fun of teenage girls for poor grammar and syntax.
I love when he calls me for no reason at all. I love when he calls to “walk me home” late at night. I love when we talk in the morning, even if I’m still half asleep. I love the way he rambles and his unemotional email closers. I love the fact that he rarely uses the world “L” word, yet I know he means it when he does.
There are days when I bitch, times when I call him crying, conversations where I make him feel bad. There are even days I think about breaking things off because I’m scared of the future and I’m scared of feeling this way.
But then there are days like today where things are perfect and I am more than satisfied – I’m in love.
