I love my mom so much and aspire to be like her in every way possible.  She’s amazing. 

I’m waiting for the day when she’ll write her autobiography and wow the world with her words.  She’s the epitome of what every classic heroine should be – strong, smart, passionate, bold and adventurous.  She’s also the epitome of what every mom should be – loving, selfless, kind, and compassionate.  

I could never properly describe just how incredible she is, but to me, she’s the most beautiful person in this world. 

In the 24 hours that I’ve been home, my mom has asked me what I want to eat a total of 4 times and she’s enforced her proper “before you go to bed” routine (take a shower, brush your teeth, floss, wash your face, brush your hair, drink a glass of water).  I can’t remember the last time I was taken care of like this.  I’m well rested, I’m well fed, and I’m forgetting the past week happened.

I haven’t quite processed the reality of moving back home yet, but for now, I’m soaking in every moment.

Dear Alexa,

Why are you so upset? Just because you’re stuck taking one more class this summer doesn’t mean you’ve failed at life. You’re so hard on yourself all the time. You burnt out and crashed big time your senior year.  So what? There was a lot of your plate (as usual) and you had some things you had to work out. Other people might have quit and walked away from this. You didn’t. You fought with every fibre of your being until the end and for the most part, made the best of the little you had left to give.

Two weeks ago you were in a position to tank every single one of your classes. You spent every day crying, feeling sorry for yourself, and playing that silly “If only I did ___ then it wouldn’t be like this” game. Enough of that. You had the humility to say you needed help, you talked to the people you needed to talk to, and you gave one last push to do everything you could to make it better.

American Lit. Anthropology. Developmental Psych. Lab. THESIS. You conquered them all this semester. You worked, you sang, you edited, you loved. This is a lot for anyone to take on so the fact that you fell short on one class – one minor elective that means nothing in the end – is not the end of the world.

There’s a lot to be proud of here. Your parents are proud of you. They tell you that every day. Somehow you always find yourself thinking that you’ll disappoint them, that you let them down in your own Alexa way. You tell yourself, “I should have finished. I should have ended things the right way.” Listen to yourself. You’re complaining that you’re not done, that you have five more weeks to go, that you didn’t finish on time. Don’t forget that “on time” by your standards means an entire year early. Give yourself a break.

Stop thinking about this. Don’t cry. Don’t feel bad. Grab that box of tissues if you can find it. Your room looks like shit right now by the way. So does your face. Take a shower, get dressed, file for that damn withdrawal and get the fuck outta there. You need home. You need family. You need homecooked meals. You need to not worry so much.

Everything happens for a reason and years down the road you’ll look back at this and understand why. Until then, take this as a learning experience. Process it. Digest it. Just let go. Things will work out for you…they always do.

-Alexa, your better half.

We always said it would be over when it wasn’t fun any more. We said we’d keep going until it got too hard…until we had nothing left to talk about. For reasons beyond our control, our “conversation that can never be finished”, is being hushed and here I am, finally running out of words.

“Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me? Things are gonna happen naturally. Taking your advice, I’m looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing. But often time those words get tangled up in the lines and the bright light turns to night. Until the dawn it brings another day to sing about the magic that was you and me. You and I both loved what you and I spoke of and others just dream of, others only dream of, the love that I love.”